From Belsebuub’s weekly talks, November, 2009
Love is a spiritual way of being, it’s not felt as an emotion in the lower psychic centers, and it’s easily confused with ego states. To distinguish between them you have to be able to identify the various states which are not love.
Q: Is love at first sight a requirement for both singles to become a couple?
No, it’s not a requirement—it can be that two people love each other immediately, but if it’s what is referred to is what’s known as falling in love, then that’s part of nature’s way of getting people together to mate and reproduce the species. For an alchemical marriage you have to love the other person, there has to be some sexual attraction and love, and a willingness to do the work to awaken, but the actual process of falling in love is not essential to building a loving and stable relationship which is suitable for awakening.
Can any couple develop love and spiritually progress if they try?
Yes, that really comes down to what I was just saying: that love can be developed in the sense that it’s something which is increased as this work is done. It’s not there in a perfect sense in the beginning, though it is actually needed to be able to keep and maintain a loving relationship. But you don’t have to have it in any kind of perfect way in the beginning, you just start with whatever you have and just build from there.
Is alchemy ultimately a battle between lust and love?
In the beginning lust can be indistinguishable from sexual attraction, but as you go along you begin to distinguish between sexual attraction and lust, and the two then begin to split.
Love is part of the practice, it’s a really vital element in alchemy. And when you get lust in there it tends to knock love out.
Sexual attraction needs to be used, in the beginning lust is strong, and yet, you have to steal the fire from it. So we take away the fire of lust and transmute it like the “good thief”. We take that energy and use it for the awakening.
You can’t be perfect; no one can be perfect in the beginning with these energies. Everyone starts out from lustful energies with some love, and that’s what has to be used in order to create the spiritual.
I have particular problem which seems to destroy love in my relationship—this is the feeling like I have missed out on things due to the relationship. I can see how it makes me resent my partner. And I know that I could run around gaining experiences and I would still be the same, so there’s no real ultimate point in craving other experiences, but it continues to tear at my emotions. Is there something I can do in this situation? I presume that it’s similar to people’s midlife crisis?
It depends what the other experiences are. If they are hobbies and the like, well, they’re just hobbies and really you’re not missing out on anything in relation to the important things of life. If the things which you are referring to though are sexual adventures, then that again is part of nature, and it’s part of what needs to be overcome in awakening.
There could be deeper issues however within the relationship, which would need to be tackled, and from the question possibly there are. But that really is for you to look into and to see logically if there is some way to resolve them. But the best way the relationship can work is if it serves for the awakening—this is the highest purpose of any kind of relationship.
How can a single person to distinguish between a spark of true love with a potential partner and feelings that arise from egos?
You have to have observed and understood the feelings which arise from the egos to be able to understand whether love at first sight, or at first meeting, actually is love, or whether it’s just a process of nature, because nature has its own way of getting people together to reproduce and continue the species.
So these forces which act upon individuals are very, very powerful and they can blind someone. So physically someone may be compatible, but in the long term, in terms of their spiritual development, they may not be. And you would need to have the ability to see and discriminate beyond these feelings of falling in love and lust, and that’s not particularly easy to do. But it’s very important to be able to make this distinction between love and lust and to see what the real purpose of a relationship is and could be—only then can you make solid decisions as to how to proceed with the relationship.
If you let nature take its course, then nature will just bring together two people who are physically compatible, usually, with a whole range of other lesser compatible points, and then will form that basis for the family. That’s what nature wants—reproduction. So be aware of that, it may work for you, but watch when you come to start a relationship.
What causes us to be more rude, mean, and negative to those whom we presumably love most in our life, and how can we change that?
Love can obviously exist in spite of both partners having strong egos. People take each other for granted and say and do things feeling secure in their actions, including expressing and acting through egos.
The word “love” however, can mean different things: it can mean attachments, it can mean genuine love, and it can mean possessing someone. Now, when someone loves someone they think and care for that person and wouldn’t wish to hurt them, but in relationships there are all kinds of other factors at play—we know these as ego states. And when two people form a relationship, or even in a family, they are tied together, and each one becomes part of the other’s psychological life.
And so the ways in which the mind, the egos, work is to construct this world in the subconscious. This world can be seen within dreams—it forms the images and the situations of different dreams. And these dreams then are part of the psychological country which each person lives in, where someone is fighting, shouting, running away—all the things that go on in dreams. And in life then there is the three-dimensional world, and upon this three-dimensional world is placed the psychological country.
Everything around is created mentally, everything which a person sees and perceives. And this perception then is used by the states, the inner states of the subconscious. And people live within these in day-to-day life. Now, these different states bring out all that’s in the subconscious, and a partner is included in this. So in a relationship, all the different states of jealousy, envy, dislike, like, pain, pleasure, everything is going on within the psychological country, or states of the individual.
And it’s not like when you meet a person and you have a set criteria of behavior which is acceptable. Once someone comes into the psychological country of another in their lives, given enough time, all the states will emerge. And then you’ll find people wanting things from others, trying to impose their will upon others, reacting when things are not done correctly, and this behavior reinforces itself, so the more that it’s fed, the stronger it becomes, and it gets a grip upon the individuals. And each one strengthens these patterns of behavior, and this becomes daily life, with its pleasures and pains.
It can be very difficult to raise the level inside the home to a happy acceptable state, and that’s a pity. It requires self-sacrifice to be able to make a home a happy place, and a relationship a happy one. And when one starts to have this self-sacrifice they need a lot of intelligence to be able to deal with a partner who is not making these sacrifices, because they have to work with other peoples egos, and that’s not easy because the egos create their own world which is unfair, and quite unpleasant. And so a person tries to work within that to establish a happy home when they start the work.
So you need to be aware of the other person’s states and failings and have compassion, love, and care. And a relationship is far more successful if each of the partners are working upon themselves, are changing, are understanding the atmospheres that they are creating in the place that they live, understanding the impact of their words, gestures, actions upon others, upon their partner. This is really fundamental to creating a relationship which not only lasts, but serves for the work, serves for alchemy, because when resentments build up they have a huge impact upon alchemy, and upon the work to awaken, and bitterness can set in, and all kinds of different resentments here and there which lurk in the subconscious.
So there is much to do to really work upon oneself in order to have a relationship which is fit to awaken with. And it requires honest self-observation and a willingness to change, ideally for both partners.
Basically I want to ask, when in a relationship for some reason the alchemy stops either by egos of fear, or by egos of negativity, but for some reason it stops, for a period of months let’s say. What impact does this have on the couple in the relationship? Like, what impact does this have on the love between the couple? And how can they get going from that point onwards? Basically what’s happening there?
Well it has a very serious impact upon the couple because they’ve given in to negativity; they’ve become lost in it. And when that happens and they don’t realize it, then they just strengthen it. They’re gaining absolutely nothing by wallowing in negativity. And that’s where the inner work comes in, because if they could see the mistakes that they’re making, then they could correct them. So they would need to look inside honestly and see the states which are ruining their relationship.
Sometimes that can be difficult because people tend to have resentments, and those resentments can work beyond their conscious reasoning, or ability to see. And so as these many states become intensified they become more and more difficult to work with, and the couple can then easily break apart. So, they should understand this and work to see what’s in the subconscious. You don’t gain anything by just staying in negativity, and you lose time, you lose the time which you could be awakening, or trying to awaken with.
So, most of the time when this kind of period like stays longer it’s as if you lose contact with alchemy, and in general with sexuality. And then, I mentioned before fears, and you can have egos about that stuff, about lust. I mean you can have enormous fear about lust. And this messy situation keeps feeding all those fears and all those doubts, and it’s really hard for you to go back alchemy. You have all those kinds of ideas that say ‘I’m not ready,’ ‘I’m not doing this right,’ ‘It’s very dangerous,’ blah, blah, stuff like that…
If you have fears about lust then you will not be able to fight it or face it. You should get rid of fears of lust and take it on. You gain nothing by running away—all you do is stop exploring it, you stop investigating it.
I just wanted to ask a question as a bit of a follow-up to what was being spoken about before when you were speaking about how we have to have self-sacrifice of particular egos for relationships to work, whether they are in the family or a couple. And I can just see the different people in my family, there seems to be particular egos that come out quite strongly with different people. And I’ll often be speaking with them and there’ll be an interaction and between us both there seems to be this relationship between our egos. And there’s always these particular frustrations, you know, anger, and these things that come out. And it seems that I often have a tendency to always want to come out sounding right, or wanting to put my two cents in, or having my point told, or just seeing a lot of the time that you are just with observing.
I notice how inconsiderate I am a lot of the time just to what other people are going through and being able to put myself in other people’s shoes. Like, things don’t seem like such a big deal to me. But I can see there is a lack of love in there; I’m not trying to understand. And I just feel down because, ‘oh, they’re treating me like this,’ or whatever. It’s like I can see that’s wrong and I shouldn’t feel that, and I shouldn’t have those sort of thoughts, but sometimes it is really easy to identify with. So I was just wondering if you had some tips on how to really stamp out that kind of selfishness which so strongly comes out with the people that we apparently love most so that we can treat them well and look after them I guess?
The problem with those things that you’ve mentioned about self-centeredness in the family and relationships and all that—is that everybody in the family is the same, and so it’s hard to get that loving family in a real sense happening much, because those ego states and self-interest are there. And you find if you work on yourself and change, then that change helps other family members. But it can only go so far, and then you have to understand that’s the way that people are, that’s the way that human beings are, and how human nature is, and you then take that into account.
So you’re understanding the problems that people face, the psychological limitations, and understanding the way people are and how you relate to them. That then gradually allows more of a loving family relationship to develop because you start breaking some of your own contributions to that negative mess, and you start to break some of the cycle which goes back and forth and on and on within any kind of family or relationship.
It’s important stop those things, and, an individual can only really stop it in themselves. You can try and talk and gain an understanding with other people, but you can only really break it in yourself. And as you change then it has its impact on your family. But there are limits, and you should know the limits of any family member and understand them, and understand that you cannot force anyone to change. It’s a really common thing in relationships to want to force one’s opinion, force one’s ways upon another, and that’s not how a true loving relationship works. You have to really care for others and feel that care, but you watch the things which destroy your relationships and gradually remove your contribution to the problems. And then you’ll find that people can act toward you in a more positive and harmonious way.
But there are always limits, and you’ve got to understand the limits of another person, and allow for that if possible, because in some cases some relationships can’t work and you just have to move away. This can also apply not just to relationships, but family life in general, and friends. Sometimes you have to move away because they can be so destructive toward your own home environment. But that then is a matter for the person to assess. Sometimes it can seem like that, but may not really the case because you may be contributing toward the fire that is causing arguments and problems in the home, so you’ve got to see your own problems and work to sort them out. Remove your own negativity, your own ego states from the equation as much as you can, and then act correctly with responsibility toward family members, with the understanding of how they feel and how they are in relationship to you, and see the negative situations which you are sparking off, and then remove them if you can.
